


Truth is just like time: it catches up and it just keeps going

by soberqueerinthewild



Series: As Cool As I Am [1]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: F/M, Fake Dating, Introspection, M/M, Overheard Conversations, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 08:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20355421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soberqueerinthewild/pseuds/soberqueerinthewild
Summary: A Maria POV post-finale fic, with heavy emphasis on Malex and Kylex friendship. Once titled "In which everyone thinks Alex and Kyle are dating"Originally posted to tumblr on 4/30/19.





	Truth is just like time: it catches up and it just keeps going

**Author's Note:**

> Posting all my old tumblr fics on AO3, sorry for spamming you! Be aware you may have already read this! 
> 
> Title from Dar Williams As Cool as I Am

Maria admits it’s cowardly, but she avoids Alex for a few weeks after she and Michael start dating. She tells herself that it’s because Liz and Michael need her and she is a bit overwhelmed with the revelations that aliens are real, she’s dating one, and Rosa has been resurrected by Max, who is now dead and in stasis in a pod, while Liz, Michael, and Isobel search for ways to bring him back. And this is all true, but it’s not the only reason she waits. For once she decides to be a little bit selfish because she doesn’t want her newfound relationship tarnished by the guilt she knows she’ll feel when she sees Alex.

Liz is the one who finally convinces her to reach out. Alex has been apparently helping Rosa, first with creating a new identity for her, then with a change in look, and more recently with the PTSD symptoms she’s started experiencing. Apparently both Alex and Kyle have known about aliens for months and are somehow involved a shady government conspiracy started by their fathers, and are the best equipped to figure out how to handle Rosa’s reappearance. Maria’s trying not to be mad that she’s seemingly the last to know; after all, she can’t be mad at Liz and Michael when they are grieving Max, and right now, she can’t exactly be pissed at Alex for not being honest with her, given what she’s been withholding from him.

Liz relates that Alex already knows about her and Michael, though Maria isn’t sure if Michael told him, or someone else did. But even once she realizes she won’t have to tell him the news herself, it takes time for her to gather up the courage, dreading feeling that the hope that was so strong before has now been crushed. But she needn’t have worried about that, she finds. When she finally steels herself and calls him, he’s polite and agrees to get together. They make plans with Liz, Rosa, and Valenti as buffers, and as soon as he arrives, she reaches out first with her powers, trying to get a read on how he’s feeling, but she runs right into what feels like a steel wall in his mind where she usually finds a door. She’s never felt that with anyone, least of all Alex who yes, is closed off with others since his return from war, but has always been pretty open with her. He told her once that the Air Force trained him to withstand torture and interrogation, and she wonders if these are the skills he employs now to block his true feelings from her. He greets her with a hug and says all the right things; that he releases her from guilt, that he and Michael weren’t together, that Michael was allowed to move on, and he wants them both to be happy. His smile doesn’t quite meet his eyes and at one point she sees Kyle give his leg a reassuring squeeze and Alex shoot him a grateful look in return, but beyond that Alex shows no outward signs that his words are anything other than 100% sincere.

As the weeks bleed into months, and things don’t improve with Alex, Maria tries not to think about it. She focuses instead on her relationship with Michael which is going surprisingly well, being there for Liz as much as she can, and of course her mother. Though she understands a little bit more about her mother’s condition now that she knows aliens are real, they are still no closer to finding a cure. Despite the awkwardness, Alex faithfully passes along any research from his father’s experiments that he thinks might be at all pertinent to her mom’s condition. She knows he would never let his personal feelings keep him from helping in any way he can. She misses their previous closeness, but she keeps faith that as time passes, he’ll open up to her again about something other than just research.

***

They are still seeing each other every few weeks at minimum, mostly in group outings that she thinks Alex attends mostly to prove he’s not angry with her. She runs into him once at her mother’s care facility, and is struck again by how unendingly caring he is when she realizes he regularly visits her mom and has never said anything about it. Beyond that, their interactions have been limited to the glimpses of him she catches around town, usually with Rosa who he’s seemingly taken under his wing, and often with Kyle, heads typically bent together in serious conversations likely about the government conspiracy stuff she still doesn’t have details on, but sometimes seemingly hanging out socially. The only person she’s seen Alex flash a genuine smile at in months is Kyle, which she witnessed a few weeks ago when she overheard Kyle recounting a funny story from work, an arm slung over Alex’s shoulder as they exited Beam Me Up Coffee. They greeted Maria politely when she squeezed past them to enter, and Alex’s face, so open a minute before shifted almost imperceptibly, and she knew before she even reached out to try to read him, that she’d be facing that steel wall once again. Even though she’d been expecting it, it still sent a wave of sadness through her when her suspicions were confirmed. She stood frozen for a beat watching them walk away, Kyle curling his arm more tightly around Alex’s shoulder, and Alex leaning into him for a brief moment before regaining his composure and walking on like nothing happened.

It is a little odd seeing them so chummy after the way Kyle bullied Alex in high school, but she supposes they’ve all changed a lot since then. She’s glad Alex has Kyle as a friend, and since Liz has told her that Alex is not all that open with her either, Maria assumes Kyle is probably the only one he talks to about anything real these days. She knows Alex has also been supporting Kyle regarding some revelations about his dad, and helping Kyle develop a relationship with Rosa. They seem good for each other. At first it doesn’t even occur to her that they might be dating, but they seem so physically comfortable with each other that she does do a quick read on Kyle the next time she sees him after the incident at the coffee shop, just to be sure. She feels friendship and affection, but no lust or longing, and laughs a bit at herself for the passing suspicion

She tries not to spend too much time wishing their friendship could go back to the easy camaraderie they used to have, as wishing and hoping never helped anyone, but today as Maria sits slouched in a booth at the Crashdown after closing, waiting for Liz to be ready for a movie night that Maria knows will end up mostly being Liz crying about Max, Maria can’t help but give into the nostalgia and lets her mind wander to happier times in this diner when she, Alex, and Liz could just hang out without so much baggage.

Her reverie is broken by the sound of explosive laughter erupting from the booth behind her. She hadn’t realized that anyone else was here, thinking the diner had cleared out when Liz turned the sign to closed a few minutes ago. She peeks over the back of her seat to see Alex and Kyle lounging in the booth, laughing with Rosa, who is cleaning the table in front of them. Maria expects they are here for similar reasons she is, waiting for Rosa to finish up before doing whatever it is the three of them like to do together. She feels a brief stab of jealousy. She and Rosa had been so close before her death, but since her resurrection, she’s definitely seemed to prefer Alex’s company over almost anyone else’s. Liz admits that Rosa is a little nervous around aliens given that one killed her and all, and Maria does spend a lot of her free time with Michael, so she gets it, but she feels a little shut out nonetheless.

She ducks back down in the booth before they can see her, as she doesn’t feel emotionally prepared to handle another polite conversation with Alex where he looks at her with flat eyes. She does listen in though, wanting to know what it is that caused Alex to laugh in a carefree manner she doesn’t know if she’ll ever hear directed at her again. She hears Kyle exclaim to Rosa, “My god, what is it about this town, you’re like the 8th person to ask me that! Just cause I hang out with someone who is gay doesn’t mean we’re boning! I mean, I’m flattered, don’t get me wrong, you’re an attractive guy,” this earns a snort from Alex, “but does no one understand the concept of friends?”

Maria smiles to herself. Apparently she’s not the only one who had suspicions, and not everyone has the benefit of psychic insight.

“Umm Kyle,” Rosa chimes in, “I’m not sure it’s everyone else that needs a refresher on how friends act… I think it’s you. You do know that most people don’t drape themselves all over their friends, and they definitely don’t grope their friend’s asses like I saw you do to Alex in the Wild Pony last week.”

Maria notes that this must’ve been on her day off since she didn’t see the three of them there last week. She shouldn’t be surprised that Alex knows her schedule and purposefully avoids the bar when she’s there.

Laughter erupts from the table again as Kyle protests, “That was one time!! I was drunk and there were extenuating circumstances.”

“Well, you were drunk that’s true,” Rosa concedes. “Drunk enough to break that glass you were holding and nearly getting us kicked out. See if I ever go to a bar with you again. Being a recovering addict in a bar always has its drawbacks, but it’s definitely not worth it if your brother gets you kicked out before the food even comes.” With that she spins on her heel to get back to helping Liz with closing tasks.

Maria hears Alex remark, quieter now, obviously not wanting Liz or Rosa to overhear, oblivious to the fact that Maria is in the booth just behind them, “I’ve been meaning to yell at you for that, come to think of it. You definitely weren’t drunk enough to be groping me.”

“Yeah, well,” Kyle retorts. “We both know I’m not the one who broke that glass either.”

“What were you trying to do, exactly?” She detects exasperation in Alex’s tone.

“At first it was just to make sure you didn’t throw away all that work you’ve been doing for the past few months to prove that you’re totally fine with how things are. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but the poker face you’ve perfected when you talk to Liz and Maria is not at all effective when you’re within 10 feet of him. I thought you were avoiding seeing him in person, what happened to that plan?” Kyle asks.

Maria draws in a breath, realizing who the “him” is they must be referring to. This is really the point she should let them know she’s here, but she stays frozen in her seat hanging on every word.

Alex replies, “I didn’t think he’d be there on Maria’s night off. When you suggested going out with Rosa, I thought a familiar place would be better for her, and she’d be less likely to have a panic attack that way. I knew it was a risk that we might run into him, but I figured we could avoid each other if it came down to it, only he stopped me to see if I had an update on our research. I was just telling him that we did find some promising notes on those hard drives that I would send over in case it might help him and Iz tap into other powers to resurrect Max, when you decided to make an appearance and drape yourself all over me, and well you know the rest…”

“I thought you were mostly doing updates by texting and emailing?”

“Yeah, we are, but he asked. What was I gonna do, ignore him or tell him not to talk to me and only text me? I owe him any answers I can get him, however he wants them, after what my father did to him and his family. Look, no matter what happens, I meant what I said at Caulfield. He is my family. So whatever he needs I’ll try to give him, no matter if it’s space or constant updates whenever he wants them.”

Maria knows she should stop listening now. They are talking about things Michael definitely hasn’t shared with her. When she reads Michael, she feels an underlying grief that is always there, no matter what else he’s feeling. She’s tried to ask him about it, but it’s become evident that what Michael needs from her is a refuge, where he doesn’t have to think or talk about his pain, trauma, and sadness, so she’s tried to be that for him. She can feel him intentionally tamp down his less pleasant feelings when he looks at her, so she follows his lead and tries to bask instead in the affection for her that does shine through. But she can’t deny that she’s a little hurt that Alex and Kyle seem to know so much more than she does about those things that cause Michael pain.

She hears Alex let out a slow, long, breath, which she’s noticed him doing a lot. She thinks it might be a therapy technique he’s learned and wonders if that’s something he’s teaching Rosa. She can’t psychically check in on his emotions without seeing him, but she finds doesn’t have to. She can hear guilt, pain, and empathy just in his voice as he tells Kyle in a hushed tone, “Honestly, even more than me having a hard time sharing space with him cause of, well, you know, everything… I think really why we are mostly doing the text and email updates is because it’s too hard for him to look at me and not see my father breaking his hand and my father and my brother torturing and then murdering his mom and all those other aliens. I don’t know how you look at me either, given what my father did to yours.”

Maria has to clap her hands over her mouth to hide an audible gasp, still transfixed and unable to stop listening. She had no idea Michael had found his mom, or what exactly Alex is talking about. She wonders if Liz knows and once again she’s the only one not clued in.

“Hey, hey,” Kyle’s voice is a mirror of Alex’s, filled with a similar mix of empathy and pain. “You are not your father. I would never blame you for something he did. All you’ve done is try to make up for your family’s legacy. I know that and so does he deep down.” Kyle stops talking abruptly as Liz makes her way over to them.

“Umm guys…” Maria hears Liz tease, “holding hands is really not helping with those rumors.” She drops complimentary fries off at the table and lets them know that Rosa is upstairs changing and will just be a few minutes more. Liz walks by Maria’s booth on the way to the kitchen and holds up her hand signaling that she’ll be ready in about five minutes. Thankfully Liz doesn’t say anything out loud, and the boys seem to miss her hand gesture. She hopes she can make it out of here without Kyle and Alex knowing she was ever in the next booth.

She doesn’t have any excuse now that would fly for why she hasn’t said anything, but how can she pass up the opportunity to learn more about the things Michael won’t tell her. She can’t deny that she’s suddenly also very curious about the details of Michael and Alex’s history. She and Michael never talk about it and obviously Alex wouldn’t tell her about it now. She’d guess Kyle is probably the only one outside of Michael and Alex who might know everything. She tunes back in and notes that Liz’s interruption seems to have effectively broken the more serious mood as both men are laughing now.

“Kyle, I know you were trying to help but you’re gonna regret it after the 80th time you have to deny that we’re dating.”

“Whatever,” Kyle replies giggling now, it sounds odd coming from him as he always seems so serious these days. “It was worth it. I know you’re rising above it but I thought Guerin should get a taste of what it feels like when your cosmic love seems to be moving on.”

“Valenti,” Alex hisses. “I told you about that in confidence.”

“What, that he called your connection cosmic, a few months ago? I don’t really remember you swearing me to secrecy on that.”

“Well, I was super drunk so I feel it was implied.” Alex’s voice has a lilt of amusement to it still, but edged with sharpness that Maria thinks Kyle should instinctively fear, but evidently doesn’t, as he continues teasing Alex.

“Wait, so does that mean everything you said drunk and crying was supposed to be a secret?” Kyle asks playfully. “So I shouldn’t have been telling everyone that he told you ‘he never looks away’ even after 10 years? Or said the sex was epic? Which I could’ve gone my whole life without knowing, by the way.” 

Alex’s groan is muffled, which Maria guesses is the result of him burying his face in his hands. “Ok, I don’t even remember telling you that. We are never going shot for shot again. I thought the military was hardcore, but apparently we’ve got nothing on med school students. I know you think you’re being funny, but now this is just depressing me. I walked away too many times and he finally did look away. He’s moved on and I’ve accepted that.”

Kyle’s drops the teasing tone. “I’m not sure that’s true. Look, you might not believe me, but I know jealousy when I see it. He was pissed. How many times have you seen him lose control of his powers? He’s never been like Max, who flickered the lights every time I so much as looked at Liz. Michael has better control. If he was totally over it, he wouldn’t have broken that glass when he thought we were together.”

“Maybe he just hates you?” Alex suggests.

“Well that too,” Kyle concedes. “But that doesn’t account for the way he still looks at you. I truly think you’re wrong about him seeing your father in you. Last week he was still looking at you the way he did at prom. I can’t believe I didn’t see it then.”

“I mean, you were a little busy punching me in the face to be that observant.”

“Yeah, but look at us now. Moved past all that ugliness to start a beautiful relationship.” The teasing tenor is back in Kyle’s voice.

“Shut up,” Maria hears a tussle, and assumes Alex has shoved Kyle.

“But seriously, I know you think you walked away too many times, but there’s one pretty important time you didn’t. You stood there with him, ready to let the building come down around you both, rather than let him die. You were honest with him about how you feel, and that saved his life. No one but you could’ve gotten him out. I know it’s complicated and I know you’re trying to respect his relationship with Maria, but it just doesn’t seem like your story is over.”

Alex sighs heavily again, sounding world-weary, “I don’t know. There was a time I really didn’t think it could be, that we’d always find our way back to each other. But now, he’s with Maria. He knows how I feel and he made his choice. And apart from that one night I can’t remember much of, and wish you’d forget all of, I’m not gonna let myself wallow in it. I have to just focus on our work, finding Michael and Iz any answers I can so they can bring back Max, and helping Rosa find her new normal. That’s what’s keeping me sane. That, and you. Terrible fake flirting aside, I appreciate that you’ve been there for me, even with everything you’ve been going through too.”

“Same here, dude. I wouldn’t have made it through these last months without you.”

“Seriously?!” Maria’s been focusing on the conversation so intently she missed Rosa coming back into the diner. “It’s like every time I turn my back you guys are having a moment where I seriously can’t tell if it’s bromance or romance. Let’s get out of here and get our horror movie on out at the cabin, but I’ll be pissed if you guys third-wheel me and start making out.”

Kyle and Alex slide out of the booth, and follow Rosa out the door without a glance in Maria’s direction. Maria’s brief feelings of thankfulness that she wasn’t caught are quickly swept away by confusion and disbelief. She’s not really sure what to do with this information. Everything she just heard swirls around in her head, barely making sense. She doesn’t know how to feel. She can’t even be mad at Alex. Maybe he struggles to meet her eyes and their conversations are stilted, but he’s really doing his best to respect her relationship with Michael, and make her feel like it’s not killing him, despite the fact that he’s obviously still in love with Michael. And it’s not like Michael had lied to her exactly. She’d known there was a history, so it shouldn’t shock her so much to hear these details.

But if she’s really honest with herself, she has to admit that she’d imagined that maybe the relationship was mostly one-sided. The only details she’d known had been about kissing in the museum 10 years ago. As soon as she learned the mystery guy was Michael, she’d supposed that maybe Michael had been curious in high school and Alex had caught feelings that were heightened because he’d needed something to hold onto during the years in the military. She’d told herself that the hopefulness she’d sensed was just from seeing Michael around when he returned to Roswell. All she’d heard from Michael was that the relationship was over, had been over. In those weeks and months of pushing away the guilt, she’d let herself believe that he meant it had been over since high school.

She feels embarrassed by the assumptions now. It feels almost insulting to Alex that she’d believed he would be hung up after 10 years on some one-sided fantasy, but she realizes it was a way to exonerate herself a little. If Michael was just a 10-year-old crush that Alex needed to let go of, then maybe instead of betraying him, she was doing him a favor by helping him move on. The justification was weak regardless, but now it’s been effectively destroyed if she is to believe what she just heard, about cosmic connections, epic sex, traumatic events past and present, and being each other’s family. Maria’s heart twists painfully as she recognizes that family isn’t a word either Alex or Michael would ever use lightly. She’d once told Alex that home could be a person, and it feels unfathomable that she is now dating the person he had once, and maybe still, considers to be his.

When Liz’s voice breaks through her haze, she’s not sure if she’s been sitting there for minutes or hours. She looks up and Liz is staring at her. “What?” She manages to croak out.

“I’ve called your name about four times with no reaction. What’s got you so deep in thought? You didn’t even look this shell shocked when we told you about the aliens,” Liz remarks dryly.

“Yeah, well, it turns out that was just the tip of the iceberg of things I don’t know.” Maria tries to keep the bitterness from her voice. It still stings that she was the last to know about aliens, and now it’s clear she knows so little about Michael’s past and present pain, and almost nothing about Alex and Michael and the depth of the connection they shared. She could use a reality check, but she doesn’t feel right burdening Liz with this. She tries to slap a smile on her face. “But babe, honestly, my worries pale in comparison to what you’re going through. I’m not gonna blab on about my silly problems when you’re dealing with Max and Rosa.”

Liz puts a comforting arm around her. “One, your problems are not silly. I can still be your friend when I’m dealing with tough things of my own. And two, I could use a distraction.”

She’s not even sure where to begin. “So umm, how much do you know about Alex and Michael’s relationship?” That seems like the part that’s clear to her now. The revelations about Michael’s mom and a building that exploded still are so incomplete. She’ll have to set those aside for another day.

Liz looks surprised, “I think I mostly know what you know, maybe less. Just what Alex has told us about the museum, which I gather was the rosier parts. The parts he wanted to hold onto. I did try to get him to talk to me, after everything, but he said he didn’t think it would be fair to tell me details because I’m so close to you and Michael. I think he didn’t want me to feel awkward.”

Maria closes her eyes, “Did you know they were together recently, not just in high school? You and Michael are friends, did he ever say anything? Did Max?”

“No sweetie, he’s pretty private. I didn’t even know he was bisexual until you told me. Why, what’s got you troubled?”

Maria tells her everything and Liz just listens, her face a mirror of the shock Maria is sure must still be on her own, when she’s finished.

“Well, important questions first,” Liz breaks her stunned silence. “Do you think Kyle and Alex are really dating? Cause I did not see that one coming.”

She knows Liz is trying to lighten the mood, but if anything the thought makes her more depressed. It would be so convenient if they were, because the truth is so much more complicated for everyone.

“No, definitely not,” she tells Liz sadly. “I don’t think Alex ever looks away from Michael. And I’ve got this sinking suspicion that despite what we have, Michael is always there looking right back.”

“Well, shit.” Liz was always one for the understatement. “What do you want to do?”

“Drink tequila?” She suggests. It’s not gonna solve either of their problems, but it might postpone them a bit.

***

A few hours later, she heads home, no closer to knowing what, if anything, she plans to say to Michael about anything she’s learned. She knows Michael will be there when she gets in, having planned to come over after practicing with some of his new powers out by the Airstream. He can’t heal anything more intense than a paper cut yet, and has no aptitude with Izzy’s influencer powers, but he’s gotten pretty good at manipulating electricity, which they are hoping will lead to an improvement in his healing skills. Maria had been debating texting to tell him not to come over, before she decided one way or another he’d texted to tell her he was already on his way. 

If she’s being fair, she doesn’t think Michael’s using her exactly, at least not on purpose. She knows he has genuine feelings for her beyond just sexual attraction. She can imagine given everything he’s been through, so much of which she didn’t know until tonight, that a relationship with her must have felt like the easier, less painful and fraught choice. Maybe he’d truly believed he could move on and be happy with her.

She tries to believe that maybe he can. She knows that even if he loved Alex, people are capable of loving more than one person in their lifetime. Just because Valenti thinks the story isn’t over, doesn’t mean he’s right. She’s not exactly sure why she’s taking Kyle’s opinion as truth except that it’s brought to the surface some observations of her own she’d been furiously stamping down.

Being so attuned to other people’s emotions does have its drawbacks after all. There have been several times, always when they were at a crowded community event or walking through town, when she felt Michael’s concentration waver, when he was usually pretty good at focusing his attention exclusively on her when they were together. So since those moments felt unusual, she’d dug deeper and sensed longing, guilt, and sometimes jealousy sweep through him seemingly randomly. It hadn’t made any sense so she’d pushed it out of her mind. She’s now pretty convinced that Alex was nearby each time, somewhere in the crowd where she didn’t notice, but Michael, who if she believes what she heard, never looks away, must have. When he strummed the guitar she could feel the peace it brought him, but sometimes after, she’d find him staring at his hand, and when she tapped into his emotions she expected to feel joy that it was finally healed, but instead his feelings were deeply conflicted. It had struck her as odd that it seemed like Michael missed the scars and the pain, but now that she knows the injury, like so much else, is all wrapped up in Alex, it makes more sense.

She knows she should just talk to Michael. They are adults. They should be able to talk about past relationships, sort through their feelings, and see if there’s any future for them. But she just can’t shake the feeling that there isn’t, can’t be; that Michael and Alex’s futures are intrinsically, or what’s that word Michael apparently used just mere months ago, oh yeah, cosmically, linked.

Maybe tomorrow her better angels will prevail, and she’ll initiate a direct and honest conversation, but tonight, after more than a few shots of tequila, and feeling bitter, sad, and guilty, she doesn’t have much interest in the high road. Instead, when she walks in the door and greets Michael, who is practicing making the lights flicker on and off, she remarks in a fake cheerful voice she barely recognizes, “You’ll never guess what I heard today! Apparently, Kyle Valenti and Alex are dating now. Who would’ve thought?” She won’t deny that she feels a flash of grim satisfaction when the light bulb above the door suddenly shatters.


End file.
